April 6, 1999

Dream a Little Dream
Something has been bugging me for quite some time now. Every time a dream is portrayed in a movie, the character walks around much like he would in real life. The only thing different is that a river of fog is apparent on the ground.

Now, this makes me wonder if I'm getting jipped. Do most people have these kind of dreams? I surely do not. Then again, my dreams are a little weird.

One time I was a green wire coathanger rolling across a lake at night. Another time I was a Wendy's plastic salad container. Is this a bad thing? Do my dreams represent my distorted mind or are they flashbacks of my former lives? Hopefully it's not the latter.

The next thing that bothers me is that apparently I am referred to as more than one person. One day, as I stood before my high school counselor, she said something along the lines of: "I hate it when a throng of people come to my door." I looked around and sure enough I was standing by myself. At first I disregarded her comment due to stress, but the thought of me being multiple persons resurfaced about 4 months ago.

As I waked through the left side of one of the many doorways into the campus cafeteria, a big dude saw me and muttered, "Why can't y'all use the right side?" I glanced around and sure enough I was alone again.

I thought about the meaning of y'all (which comes from a Southern dialect in which the words "you" and "all" have been combined in order to speed up delivery of sentences thus allowing more time to harvest tobacco and cotton) and concluded that I must appear to be more than one person. Since I have now been referred to as a group of people two distinct times I concluded that I am not just me-- I am we. From now on I will try to refer to myself as we.

Roll This and Smoke It
I’m sure everyone has encountered one bad invention or another in their lifetime. There are crazy people who locked themselves in their basements for months at a time to bring us such useless stuff as the automatic wiping toilet, solar powered flashlight, blackhead remover gun, and the invisible dog walker have done it again. These guys have come up with another one that maybe even tops the charts for stupidity. What is this miraculous product you ask? Well, it’s non other than the Nicatrol Inhaler.

The commercial portrays a young man rolling down the street in his red convertible while sucking on a tampon-looking device, as happy as can be. Yes, you too can look like you are sucking on a tampon! I can see those suckers flying off the shelves faster than they can be restocked.

Mmm, tamplicious!